What is Parental Anxiety?

Parental anxiety is exactly what it sounds like; worries about your child and your parenting. Worries may include your child’s health, their success, their capacity to handle circumstances, trusting other people to care for your child and meet their needs. These worries can lead to parents parenting anxiously. These parents sometimes refer to themselves as ‘Helicopter’ or ‘Saran wrap’ parents. They know they hover, worry about being a good parent and meeting their child’s needs. If you’re not sure if this is you, check out the quiz below.

Why is it important to work on?

The research clearly identifies a number of negative impacts to the child when their parent is parenting anxiously. Let’s not focus on the impact – let’s focus on increasing your awareness. If this is showing up for you, you can take steps to change it – for your benefit and for your child’s.

Am I parenting Anxiously: A Quick Survey to Explore if you might be experiencing Parental Anxiety with your child(ren). 

This survey is not a formal assessment tool or diagnosis, rather is designed to help you reflect on your experience with thoughts and feelings that occur since becoming a parent. The questions focus on how you experience your relationship with your child and your parenting, specifically in relation to attachment and anxiety. There are no right or wrong answers—only your honest responses about your experiences.

Instructions: For each statement, select the option that best describes how you typically feel or behave in relation to your child. Use the scale below to rate your answers.

Scoring:

• Strongly Disagree (1)
• Disagree (2)
• Neutral (3)
• Agree (4)
• Strongly Agree (5)

Survey Questions

1. I often feel anxious about how my child feels about me or if I am doing enough to meet their emotional needs.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

2. I find myself worrying when my child is distant, or when they do not show me affection, even if there’s no obvious reason for their actions.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

3. I feel upset or worried when my child does not respond especially warm or quickly when I try to connect with them.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

4. I often feel worried about how I meet my child’s emotional needs, even though I try my best.
     (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

5. When my child is upset or angry with me, I worry it might negatively impact our relationship.                                            (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

6. I find myself frequently seeking reassurance that I am making the right choices in parenting and that I am a good parent.
     (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

7. I feel emotionally distressed when my child wants independence or time alone, I feel uncomfortable when my child doesn’t need me as much.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

8. I often anticipate something bad happening to my child – even when it is an age appropriate activity with an average amount of supervision for a child their age/stage.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

9. I tend to over-interpret my child’s behavior, thinking that small changes in their mood or actions mean they are upset or are struggling. I worry about my parenting when this happens.
   (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

    

10. I feel that I need to be constantly available for my child emotionally and physically to keep our relationship strong.
      (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

11. When my child has a bad day or seems distant, I feel that I am somehow to blame for their feelings or that I need to be the one to fix this or prevent it from happening again.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

12. I have difficulty letting my child experience discomfort or distress, I sometimes avoid saying no or having age appropriate expectations of them.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

13. I feel worried when my child needs space or is emotionally distant from me, as I fear this could negatively impact our relationship.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

14. I constantly worry about if my child is getting the right emotional support and attention from other adult supports – sometimes I will feel guilty – worrying that I am not giving them enough emotional support in some situations.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

15. I feel like I need to get ahead of or “fix” my child’s problems right away, and I sometimes struggle to let them deal with issues on their own.
      (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

16. I often worry about making mistakes in my parenting and put a lot of pressure on myself to parent perfectly. I worry that it will damage my relationship with my child.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

17. I feel my child needs me a)more than my child thinks they do  or b)more than other children their age need support from their parent.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

18. I often feel my child’s happiness and well-being is all on me – not confident others or my partner prioritizes this.
      (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

19. I feel worried or wonder about how my child is doing/how they will cope – when they are elsewhere (not with me) – even for short periods of time.
      (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

20. I often worry that my child’s emotional needs are not responded to well enough – by myself or other adults they are supported by- even though there are no specific concerns – these thoughts occur quite a bit.
    (1 – strongly disagree) (2 – disagree) (3 – neutral) (4 – agree) (5 – strongly agree)

     

Scoring Interpretation:

• 45-75: You may show some signs of anxious parenting. You might experience worry or anxiety about your relationship with your child, often wondering if you’re doing enough or if they are emotionally secure. It might be helpful to seek support through parenting resources or therapy to better manage these feelings. Life will present a number of challenges, helping you to manage anxious thoughts and feelings can help your anxiety with parenting decrease and also help your child to feel more relaxed and confident about themselves.

• 76-105: Your responses suggest that you may experience significant anxiety in your parenting. You likely experience a lot of anxiety about your child’s emotional needs, fear of loss, your child experiencing discomfort/loss, and a strong urge to create a great deal of buffering and extra support for your child. This could lead to your child having less confidence in their ability to take on challenges and their capacity to face challenges – increasing their own anxiety and developing lower self-esteem. It would be useful to explore parental anxiety and to work towards skills and strategies towards decreasing this anxiety to improve your experience with parenting and to increase your child’s self confidence and self esteem.

• 106-120: Your responses indicate pronounced anxiety in your parenting. You may often feel overwhelmed by emotional concerns about your child, worrying excessively about your relationship and their well-being. Not only will this negatively impact your own energy levels and resilience, but it often leads to children developing their own anxiety, lowered self-confidence and struggles with developing warm and trusting relationships with peers and other adults. Parenting with this level of  anxiety may negatively impact the family’s relationships with family, friends, teachers, daycare providers and all supports.  Therapy, focusing first on the anxiety patterns that show up in parenting could help with your parenting experiences, your relationships as well as setting your child(ren) up towards taking on challenges with confidence and building warm and trusting relationships with peers and their supports. 

Specialized parenting supports: https://keycounsellingservicescanada.janeapp.com/

Final Note:

This survey is meant to help you reflect on patterns in your relationship with your child. However, it is important to recognize that attachment styles and parental anxiety are complex and can change over time. If you find that your responses reflect significant anxiety or concerns in your parenting, seeking support from a therapist who specializes in parenting and attachment can be a helpful next step.